I hate crying. Ok, it's not such a huge revelation, and it's a pretty common feeling, but I really don't like it. What I hate most about it is how it makes me feel. Sure, there's the sense of vulnerablity, the blow to the pride and the fear of loss of control. But really, what I hate most is how it makes me feel physically - the leaky nose, the red, itchy, irritated eyes, the fatigue. It short, it makes me feel icky.

But, I don't mind saying, I've been reduced to tears on more than one occassion over the last few weeks. Usually in the wee hours of the morning, when sleep has been elusive - like on the night of waking 8 times to tend to the need of one of the two kids. Yup, I've looked at frustration, exhaustion, with a hint of despair at 4 am and wondered with all honestly what the heck I got myself into. Even though I knew at the time that it was fatigue, and that in a few hours I would feel better, let me tell you, at 4 am, there is a sense of complete abondonment to the frustration.

I make this revelation, first and foremost, so you can all feel sorry for me and oh, I don't know, deliver baked goods to my house. But the other reason is really to inject some reality into the cyberspace world. I've read the blogs, the books - especially from adoptive parents - and rarely do I read about the utter frustration and helplessness that is all a part of parenting. What I read about mostly is the joy, the elation, the cutseyness. You know, the fairy tale part, tha happily ever after with a little Martha Stewart frosting. I'm not denying the fairy tale feelings exist, nor am I trying to negate the sense of wonder and enjoyment that comes from parenting, but darn it, it's hard, and I don't think there is any shame in admitting it. I think we adoptive parents are especially hard on ourselves for finding the whole parenting adventure to be bloody difficult. After all, we signed up for this. We convinced social workers and governments that we would be ideal parents, and damn it, there can't be anything less than ideal.

But, I'll be the first to admit it, there are moments that are not ideal. There are adjustment issues for all four of us, there are struggles, there is exhaustion. Thankfully, there is also wonder, enjoyment, a coming together and struggles overcome. It's all in the same package - the good, the bad, and the weepy, snotty, leaky ugly.

Now, about the kids. Ren is adjusting a little more each day and his ability to learn astounds us continually. Sleeping, blessedly, is getting better. There have even been some nights where he's slept right through the night and when he does wake-up now, it's usually short lived with minimal wailing. His comprehension seems to leap ahead every single day and his love of trucks knows no end. Most kids have a cuddly, soft toy to sleep with. Ren alternates these days between a school bus and a fire truck.

We have noticed that the first time we do anything - go to a particular restaurant or park, meet someone, undertake an activity, Ren is a little withdrawn and cautious. The second time, though, he's got full command of the environment and is already telling you want to do and where to go. There is no doubt, he likes to be in charge, but he's starting to get that mom and dad are the alphas and learning to accept it, for the most part.

Kiyomi is settling back into a comfortable routine and seems to be getting used to the new family structure - or at least has resigned herself to it. She's starting to help her brother more and more, and I can start to see the early beginnings of complicity between them. I've no doubt they'll be planning an assault on the cookie jar as soon as Ren figures out what a cookie jar is. A couple of weeks ago started, Kiyomi started soccer once a week and she loves it. She charges around the field sometimes chasing the ball, sometimes just running for the heck of it. Watching 4/5 year olds play soccer is like watching pure abandon in motion. 10 kids become a living single swarm chasing a ball that occassionally pops out from the mass. Kiyomi loves every second of it and finishes her evening happily coated in sweat and a few grass stains.

This up-coming week, we meet with a paediatric cardiologist and, hopefully, get an echo done. We also aim to celebrate Ren's 2nd birthday. I'm thinking a cake shaped like a digger- anyone have any recipes for bright yellow icing?

The parting shot for tonight kinda sums up life around here lately. Good night from Ottawa