I hate crying. Ok, it's not such a huge revelation, and it's a pretty common feeling, but I really don't like it. What I hate most about it is how it makes me feel. Sure, there's the sense of vulnerablity, the blow to the pride and the fear of loss of control. But really, what I hate most is how it makes me feel physically - the leaky nose, the red, itchy, irritated eyes, the fatigue. It short, it makes me feel icky.

But, I don't mind saying, I've been reduced to tears on more than one occassion over the last few weeks. Usually in the wee hours of the morning, when sleep has been elusive - like on the night of waking 8 times to tend to the need of one of the two kids. Yup, I've looked at frustration, exhaustion, with a hint of despair at 4 am and wondered with all honestly what the heck I got myself into. Even though I knew at the time that it was fatigue, and that in a few hours I would feel better, let me tell you, at 4 am, there is a sense of complete abondonment to the frustration.

I make this revelation, first and foremost, so you can all feel sorry for me and oh, I don't know, deliver baked goods to my house. But the other reason is really to inject some reality into the cyberspace world. I've read the blogs, the books - especially from adoptive parents - and rarely do I read about the utter frustration and helplessness that is all a part of parenting. What I read about mostly is the joy, the elation, the cutseyness. You know, the fairy tale part, tha happily ever after with a little Martha Stewart frosting. I'm not denying the fairy tale feelings exist, nor am I trying to negate the sense of wonder and enjoyment that comes from parenting, but darn it, it's hard, and I don't think there is any shame in admitting it. I think we adoptive parents are especially hard on ourselves for finding the whole parenting adventure to be bloody difficult. After all, we signed up for this. We convinced social workers and governments that we would be ideal parents, and damn it, there can't be anything less than ideal.

But, I'll be the first to admit it, there are moments that are not ideal. There are adjustment issues for all four of us, there are struggles, there is exhaustion. Thankfully, there is also wonder, enjoyment, a coming together and struggles overcome. It's all in the same package - the good, the bad, and the weepy, snotty, leaky ugly.

Now, about the kids. Ren is adjusting a little more each day and his ability to learn astounds us continually. Sleeping, blessedly, is getting better. There have even been some nights where he's slept right through the night and when he does wake-up now, it's usually short lived with minimal wailing. His comprehension seems to leap ahead every single day and his love of trucks knows no end. Most kids have a cuddly, soft toy to sleep with. Ren alternates these days between a school bus and a fire truck.

We have noticed that the first time we do anything - go to a particular restaurant or park, meet someone, undertake an activity, Ren is a little withdrawn and cautious. The second time, though, he's got full command of the environment and is already telling you want to do and where to go. There is no doubt, he likes to be in charge, but he's starting to get that mom and dad are the alphas and learning to accept it, for the most part.

Kiyomi is settling back into a comfortable routine and seems to be getting used to the new family structure - or at least has resigned herself to it. She's starting to help her brother more and more, and I can start to see the early beginnings of complicity between them. I've no doubt they'll be planning an assault on the cookie jar as soon as Ren figures out what a cookie jar is. A couple of weeks ago started, Kiyomi started soccer once a week and she loves it. She charges around the field sometimes chasing the ball, sometimes just running for the heck of it. Watching 4/5 year olds play soccer is like watching pure abandon in motion. 10 kids become a living single swarm chasing a ball that occassionally pops out from the mass. Kiyomi loves every second of it and finishes her evening happily coated in sweat and a few grass stains.

This up-coming week, we meet with a paediatric cardiologist and, hopefully, get an echo done. We also aim to celebrate Ren's 2nd birthday. I'm thinking a cake shaped like a digger- anyone have any recipes for bright yellow icing?

The parting shot for tonight kinda sums up life around here lately. Good night from Ottawa

Home one week... and a bit

Ok, I had this great, witty, brilliant post all written in word... but I couldn't seem to get blogger to paste, and then picasa wasn't working properly. So, you'll have to suffer through the runner up, which was penned a few days later.

Mercifully, jetlag seems to have retreated. After a few nights of wailing sessions, desperate attempts at new sleep tricks, late night television and days in an exhaustion fog, we have finally hit on a combination to which Ren seems amenable enough that he'll sleep through a good chunk of the night. Not ideal, but better than the hourly sessions of inconsolability and my begging him to sleep. There is a carefully contrived mixture of his shoes and sweater, bedtime routine and bottle that gets us all through the night, and woes is me if I happen to forget any one element.

I should point out that somehow, Kiyomi managed to recover from jetlag faster than any of us. Within a couple days, she was pretty much sleeping through the night and didn't seem to so much as stir when Ren wailed outside her door or when we creeked down the stairs. A heard of elephants could go through her room, and her eyes wouldn't even flutter.

It is so hard to tell which of the cries is a result of adjustment, grief, terror, fatigue, stubborness and we're still learning, as is Ren. However, their is definite improvements in communication. We are slowly learning through hand signals, gestures and grunts. And much to our surprise, words are making an appearance. Most are linked to wheeled vehicles or at least the sounds they make - he can say "ca" for car, "ting, ting" for bike, "vroom" for truck. He can show you where his nose and toes are and we now know that "mnum, mnum" means "feed me you dolts!" We're getting it, and Ren is starting to show some patience with our lack of understanding. Most of the time, he points and we keep guessing until we get it, to which we hear a rather satisfying "huh". He also knows to shake and nod his head -which he will sometimes do emphatically.

Ren is also getting more and more comfortable with Kohji. I'm the "go to gal" for comfort, food and when he's tired and/or cranky, but dad is the one when he wants to play. They've been for a few walks together in the neighbourhood and Ren no longer needs me to be in the room all the time. He won't tolerate my leaving the house though and if I'm not there when he wakes up, there is much unhappiness. The baby steps over the last week though have been momentus and I'm hopeful that we'll get there within a reasonable amount of time.

I will admit, I'm craving a little unrestrained solitude. I managed to get a quick bike ride in yesterday during nap time, and it was heavenly. At breakfast this morning, I was trying to eat cereal with a kid on each knee, snatching intermitent bites (between theirs from my bowl of course), and hoping that one of them doesn't turn their head at the wrong time and send the whole business flying.

Kiyomi is settling in well back at daycare. Her friends missed her like crazy and I could tell they were climbing over themselves to get to her for the first couple of days. Not to say she hasn't been experiencing some emotional ups and downs - adapting to life as a sibling at any point is a challenge, never mind when the said sibling is already walking , yelling, getting into your stuff and your face. Kiyomi has done her best to be patient and is proving to be a caring big sister. However, it does get to her sometimes and she can get a little tired of the new world order. We're struggling a bit with how best to respond to her needs, while at the same time, make sure there is some stability and predictability, especially with boundaries. It's hard to skirt that particular line, and brutal on the guilt quotien when you think you've screwed it up. When we do take a harder line with her, we now here - "you're being mean to me just like a step-sister". Thanks Cinderalla for that particular literary reference. I've got to stop reading to that kid.

Ren's personality is coming out more and more each day. He's charming and stubborn, creative and a good problem solver. He'll figure his way around, through, over or under he's trying to get to something and he seems to have the patience to dedicate towards figuring it out if he doesn't immediately know. Yes, we've put all those maddening childproof doorknob things on all the exterior doors, and yes, they're irritating and adult-proof too.

Ren has been a bit of a hit at the daycare, and Kiyomi loves showing him off. She's made sure that all the kids know he likes toys with wheels and the minute he walks in, he's instantly swarmed with a wide family of hands offering wheeled goodies. The hightlight of both their days - and frankly ours too - is when we pick Kiyomi up after school and she and Ren bounce along home in the little red wagon, sharing a snack and pointing out buses, cars and trucks.

We're slowly settling into life as a family of four. It takes some getting used to for all of us, but we've had some successes ... and some not so successes. Meal times are a new adventure, but we're negotiating some sort of palatable routine. We're also getting into the summer swing of things with bike rides, tulip peeping and the occassional popsicle on the front steps.

The parting shot shows the iconoclastic spring family photo for Ottawa... although you'll note unlike the family off camera beside us whose daughters were dressed in bright, brilliant spring dresses, my kids (and for the most part we're) at least dressed.

Good day, from Ottawa.

Home safe and kinda sound

The Dad here again. Some of you had been wondering, and so this is
just a brief post to let you all know that we did make it home safe
and sound on Saturday night. Since we've been home, Ren has been
having difficulty with the time change which has affected us all,
though particularly Tamara who Ren still needs when he's tired or
upset. So sorry about the lack of posts, and lack of pix for this
post - we've been rather energy-limited.

In brief, Kiyomi puked on the plane, so we gave her gravol. That gave
us an excuse to drug Ren too (the Gravol was out after all...) So
both kids slept most of the flight to Toronto and it went quite
smoothly, though we all still felt like crap at the end of it. We
then madly rushed through every stage at the Toronto airport - on the
Beijing-Toronto leg, we figured out that we had all of 50 minutes to
get through customs, and then register Ren for Permanent Residence
status with immigration (which took us well over an hour last time),
then wait for our bags, take the bags to check-in for our Ottawa leg,
meet Miyo and family briefly, and then go through security.
Miraculously, everything went very quickly (we got ushered into a
short line for people with young kids at customs, and there was nobody
in line at immigration) and we made it through security just as they
were calling our names for "last call".

We were able to briefly see Miyo, Martin, Mika and Kai along the way
at the Toronto airport, and at the Ottawa airport, we were met by
Kenji, Aya, Miya, Laura, Nat, Amy and Les. It was wonderful to see so
many familiar faces and to introduce Ren. Thanks all for coming out -
it meant a lot.

Interestingly, Ren has been very comfortable here from the moment we
stepped in the door on Saturday night. Kiyomi took Ren to the back
room and showed him some of the toys we had waiting for him, and from
that point, he's been happily playing with these toys and other toys,
wandering around the house independently, and has generally made
himself at home. Sunday was a banner day with him just happily
playing with all of us all day. And for the rest of us, it's been
wonderful just to be back home.

The nights have been a different story. He has cried uncontrollably
in Tamara's arms for long periods at a time as a result of which
Tamara has been getting limited sleep. Fortunately, Kiyomi has slept
through most of it and she continues to be a gem. We don't know what
we would do if we had to deal with any difficulties she was
experiencing. Essentially, her adapatability has meant that we don't
have to worry about her, and we can just concentrate on Ren. In fact,
with our sleep-deprived brains, we can barely handle just that.

We'll try to post some pix soon. It's 8:20p and Ren has been asleep
for almost an hour. Our strategy for tonight is to try to get to
sleep ourselves immediately, knowing it's likely that we will have
another rough night ahead of us.

Wish us luck. Good night from (ahhhh...) Ottawa.

One day more

The dad here again. Tomorrow is the day, and it can't come soon
enough.

As with last time with Kiyomi, it has been great to have this period
of time to get to know Ren a little, and to spend some time seeing the
home country of our kids. However, we are both very tired of trying
to entertain a couple of high-energy kids in a 300 sqft space, of
pulling out every trick we know to keep those kids quiet and well-
behaved in restaurants, and of struggling to keep them from getting
run over by bikes, scooters, cars, buses and trucks every time we step
out the door. We long for the normalness of home, of familiar beds,
of predictability, of controllable environments, of greenspace, of
playgrounds, and of potable water.

Today was a difficult day, and especially for Tamara. Ren still needs
Tamara. Since we got him, there has been only a single meal (out of
34, but who's counting) where Tamara has been able to eat without a
messy, wriggling toddler on her lap. There have been precious few
instances where she has been able to shower or go to the bathroom
without a wimpering toddler coming to look for her. There has not
been a single hug that Tamara has been able to give to Kiyomi without
a panicked Ren coming running. Every struggle to get Ren to fall
asleep has been made by Tamara. We're grateful that Ren finds comfort
in Tamara. However, it is not overstating things to say that he is
sapping her.

For the most part, my role has been logistics, and Kiyomi-minder. As
a new big sister, Kiyomi has been fantastic. There have been little
tussles but by and large, Kiyomi has stood tall, helping when she can,
and handling the threat to her supremacy in this family with suprising
and impressive maturity. In truth, we wish we have been able to
handle the challenges as well as she has. There has been more than
one instance where we have snapped at her for some trivial and
understanding action on her part, or some misbehaviour which is
clearly an attention-seeking effort, because we are harried from doing
something for Ren, or because our patience had run unfairly thin.

I have only been able to ease the load on Tamara occasionally, usually
by engaging in some entertainment involving trucks and buses. You
never know what feature of a hotel is going to come in handy. With
this hotel, it has been the elevator bay on our floor that looks out
on to a major street. Ren can be entertained for very long periods of
time by watching out for buses, motorcycles, trucks, and bicycles, and
there is great excitement when a policecar with its flashing lights
passes, or a cement truck rumbles by. We survived yesterday's
unexpected 3-hr sit in traffic on the way home from the Wall by having
Ren spend 2 hours of it watching out for passing interesting
vehicles. The only book that entertains him is one that has all sorts
of different vehicles in it. However, this book may be the most
challenging one that I've ever read. It's not easy coming up with
different sounds for policecars, ambulances and fire engines, not to
mention trucks, buses, bulldozers and cement mixers. What's even more
challenging is trying to remember what sound you used for each the
next time you read the book.

Lest the above shed Ren in an unfair light, there is no doubt that Ren
is an overwhelmingly happy kid. He spends much of his time smiling,
and there is great excitement in everything he does. He is friendly,
is outgoing, and is quite affectionate. His silliness will one day
rival Kiyomi's, and there is no doubt that the fun these two have
together will only grow.

Today was a fairly uneventful day. A little shopping in the morning
to pick up some snacks and toys for the flight home, a swim in the
afternoon following Ren's nap, and then a dinner at the buffet
downstairs. We had an opportunity to go see the Summer Palace, but we
opted to keep things low key. Tomorrow, we kill time until our 2pm
departure from the hotel for our 6pm flight. 13 hours or so later, we
touch down in Toronto, go through immigration, go through customs,
hopefully say hi to Miyo, and then off for our final one-hour leg back
to Ottawa and home.

Thank you China, for having us, for welcoming back Kiyomi, and for
gracing us with a son. We leave you tired, and more than a little
homesick, but we will most certainly be back.

For the last time for now, goodnight from Beijing.

The Wall

Today dawned clear and sunny. In fact, it was the clearest day I'd
ever experienced in China. The sky was a sparkly blue, the air seemed
relatively clear and there were only a few fluffy white clouds.

In other words, it was almost a picture perfect day for the Great
Wall... once we got through all the traffic of course. Traffic in
Beijing is something to experience. Not only does it move at a snails
pace for no apparent reason, other than the obvious ridiculous number
of cars on the road, but there is no such thing as rules of the road.
Lights, lines, lanes - those are all merely suggestions. A honk
doesn't mean "excuse me, coming through" here. No, a honk means "I'm
coming through no matter what, so you best get out of the way".

Our bus crawled along for an hour and a half before it hit some
semblance of open road. Just when we really started to role, we hit
the jade factory. There are 6 sections of the wall open up to public
viewing. It doesn't matter how you choose to visit the Wall or what
section you choose to see, you will stop at a jade factory. It's part
of the experience, so no sense fighting it.

Of course, the jade factory with all these intricate carvings with big
signs saying DO NOT TOUCH is just one big land of temptation to a
toddler. Kohji and I took turns trying to prevent Ren from riding a
jade tiger or jumping on a massive carved frog. Although, there was
one unexpected benefit from all the carvings of tigers and crocodiles -
Ren learned the word teeth. For the better part of an hour, he was
running around the place staring into the faces of one snarling animal
or another, pointing to his own grinning mouth and saying 'teef'.

For my part, I tried to find something suitable to replace the jade
bangle I had bought on our last trip. There is a tradition in China
for mothers to wear jade bracelets which they hand down to their
daughters. I had bought a lovely one that I was admiring in our
kitchen shortly after arriving home back in 2006, with a wee little
Kiyomi in my arms. I handed her the bangle, despite Kohji's words of
caution, and just as I was smugly saying to Kohji that the bracelet
was indestructable, Kiyomi dropped it and I had three lovely pieces of
jade on the kitchen floor. I wisely decided against the bangle this
time in favour of something a little less shatterable.

The jade factories are interesting placed catering uniquely to
visitors to the Wall by providing shopping and a restaurant on site.
The factory effectively serves people until mid-afternoon after which
I guess it's too late for visitors to the Wall. When we were leaving
at a little before 2, they were shutting down the place.

Miraculously, the weather stayed bright and clear for our entire visit
to the Wall, as the pictures show. Our last visit was completely
socked in, and the only views we were able to get were into the fog.
This time, we were able to see the Wall snake along the ridge of the
hills and climb towards the heavens. With Ren in the carrier and
Kiyomi all primed for an adventure (as she put it), we set out to
climb a relatively short section at Juyyonguan. While the climb
itself was much shorter and less onerous than the section we climbed
last time, it did provide a magnificent view of the Wall across the
valley. And it was obviously the perfect length for Kiyomi who
chattered away the whole way up, with periodic stops to yell at the
others in our group behind - "You ok guys? It's ok that I'm the
fastest you know." Ren, on the other hand, was conscious for about
the first 5 minutes of the climb. Poor kid made it to the top of a
section of the Great Wall, and was out cold for the entire thing.

Once again, the temperature was much more forgiving than our last Wall
excursion and there were very few people. In fact, when we reached
the top of our little section, we were effectively alone for the full
10 minutes or so we were up there. I didn't think it was possible to
be alone anywhere in China.

While I stood on this momentus piece of history, what I marveled at
most was not the fact that the Qing emperor built this massive
architectural marvel across 5000 kilometers, not the number of lives
lost in order to construct it across the backs of mountains, not even
the fact that it all proved to be a useless endeavour as the Mongols
still managed to invade China and place two Mongolian emperors on the
throne. Nope, what amazed me was the commodification of the place. I
was almost tempted to buy my "I climbed the Great Wall" t-shirt while
I was sucking on my popsicle beside what was once a massive watch
tower, but thought better of it.

After some rejuvenating ice cream, we all climbed onto the bus for the
50 kms or so ride back to Beijing. Unfortunately, the ride turned
into a 3 hour crawl through Beijing traffic. The trip was a harbinger
of what the 13+ hour flight will be with Ren, and it ain't pretty.
Now, if we could only manage to have buses and trucks appear out the
airplane windows, we might be ok. Kiyomi, on the other hand, wanted
to sit at the front of the bus, so she plopped herself down beside one
of the other moms on the front row and proceeded to chatter for the
next hour. I didn't overhear the entire conversation, but I did catch
references to "Mika, who's my cousin and a little silly", "I'm doing
the front crawl now" and "Skiing's fun, but you have to go fast." I
can't even imagine what else she was nattering away to Heather about,
but I was happy she was well enteretained (many thanks to Heather).

We arrived back with just enough time to get out of our sweaty clothes
and splash water on our faces before heading out for a Peking duck
dinner. Thankfully, the restaurant was just around the corner. The
food was good and certainly plentiful, but the kids were wrangy and
wiggly. Thankfully, the staff took a particular interest in our
rather wrangy kids and seemed happy to play with them for a bit in the
lobby while we each shoveled food into our faces. One gentlemen in
particular - the maitre'd I think - had all sorts of questions about
them. Unfortunately, said questions were all in Chinese. I'm not
sure what he really wanted to know, but I answered in English and he
looked at me blankly. To be honest, he may have been asking me to get
my kids the heck out of his restaurant, while I'm smiling and nodding
and telling him their ages. Ah well, they all had big smiles and
goodbyes for the kids when we were leaving and the maitre d' kept
whistling some sort of bird song to Ren, so really it couldn't have
been all bad.

Tomorrow is our last full day in China. There is a wee bit of sadness
that comes on at this stage in the trip knowing that we'll be taking
the kids away from the country of their birth, and as a result,
denying them the opportunity to get to know this country and their
heritage. We have also settled into a routine as a family, and while
temporary, all routines bring comfort and the prospect of starting
anew is always daunting.

There is a half day excursion planned for the summer palace, but we'll
likely skip it in favour of loading up on sweet milk (Ren's favourite
drink) and airplane distractions. If anyone out there knows of any
good airplane games or toys, please let us know, cause we're gonna
need'em.

Good night from Beijing.

Hitting the highlights

Miracles do happen. I, all by myself, have managed to bath, pajama
and put to bed both kids (Kohji was out looking for diapers). Ok,
sure, it helps that we dragged them all over Beijing in the hot sun,
but hey, don't knock my accomplishment. At this stage, I'm taking my
kudos where I can.

Today was effectively your consolidated tour of the Beijing
highlights - the Forbidden City, Tianenmen Square and the Temple of
Heaven all in one day. We'd been to Tianenmen and the Forbidden City
before, but it felt positively frigid compared to the 35 degree heat
of last time. Not to mention the fact that there were mere thousands
there this time, instead of tens of thousands. All this was a good
thing, given that this time, we also had to chase an exuberate toddler
and try to prevent him from gumming up the Empress Dowagers writings
by introducing cookie dust to the parchments.

The day started at the North Gate of the Forbidden City, which meant
we were effectively moving backwards. The North Gate was the entrance
reserved for the concubines. A bit of a contrast from the last trip,
where we entered at the South Gate under the protrait of Chairman
Mao. Sort of a juxtaposition of Chinese history and traditions. It
was interesting to see the scenes that'd we'd seen last time, but also
have the opportunity to notice more and different angles and areas.
It would take a lifetime of visits to truely take in, and appreciate,
the entire place. However, on the second visit, it was easier to
imagine the would-be concubines lined up along the north wall, waiting
to be chosen to enter the palace, carrying the honour of their family
with them.

We chased Ren through concubine palaces and around stone dragons, up
ancient steps and through glorious archways. At one point, I did find
myself looking longingly at the families with the wee little non-
mobile ones, but then Ren took off down a ramp and there wasn't any
more time to long for immobility. For Ren, the entire place was like
a giant climbing structure and he wasn't wasting any time. If nothing
else, it gave me some new perspectives, such as the fact that stone
dragon scuppers are great for hanging on!

Spilling into Tianenmen Square was eerily similar to last time. Yet
again, we were a bit of a tourist attraction for the Chinese tourists
in Beijing and we had our picture taken by a number of people as we
strolled along. Some were subtle, others were more willing to stand
dead in front of you and snap away. One group asked if they could
have their picture taken with us! I can't help but wonder what it is
they exactly say to their family and friends if they show off their
vacation pictures - "Oh ya, and these were the crazy foreigners we saw
in Tianenmen. They adopted Chinese babies and look at all the stuff
they're dragging around with them!"

We then headed to a 100 year old noodle shop for lunch. The place
itself was interesting, the noodles were good, but the real highlight
for Kiyomi was that she developed her first crush. One of the waiters
took a shine to her and gave her a couple of smiles, and that was it,
she was smitten. She kept coyly looking at him and forced her dad to
walk her down his way. The kicker was when I said to her, "oh, he's
cute" and her response was "no mom, he's handsome"!

After lunch, we visited the Temple of Heaven, which was where the
Emperor would come to pray for good rain and crops. The Temple itself
was appropriately grandiose, but more interesting was the festival
atmosphere in the outer gardens. There were your usual vendors, but
there were also people playing music (including Beijing Opera karaoke-
style), a bunch of older people playing hacky-sac with a feathered
version of the ball, a gentleman signing opera (sounded Italian to me)
and a general feel of merriment and community activity.

Given all that, the kids did surprisingly well. We have a stroller
with a little platform on the back, which was ostensibly supposed to
be for Kiyomi. However, seems our kids like to do things a little
differently - Ren prefers the board and Kiyomi the seat. Whatever
works.

Ren is getting more and more comfortable with Kohji everyday, as well
as will Obaachan and Ojiichan. He still likes me to be in sight and
will come to me for comfort, but I suspect it won't be long before
mommy and daddy are interchangeable. We capped off the evening with a
bath - which is the favourite activity. In fact, when I turned on the
bathtub tab earlier today for another purpose, Ren came tearing into
the bathroom, cars in hand. It took some coaxing to convince him that
bathtime would be later.

Tomorrow - the Great Wall (for real this time, as Kiyomi would say).
Not sure how that will work out, but we'll give it a go. Wish us luck.

Good night, from Beijing.