You see, in order for adoption to occur, children have to endure unimaginable loss. Yes, there is much to be gained, but the losses are equally great. Loss is a part of life, and we all experience it in some form or another. But, for adopted kids, it's front end loaded. Before Kiyomi reached her first birthday, she had lost a birth family, a foster family, a culture, a country, a life history and a way of life. Yes, she gained a family that belongs to her no matter what, a new country, new opportunities and the unconditional love and support of a stable and constant family. But she gave up much too. And we saw the effect that the loss had on her - we watched a vibrant little girl shut down into herself in order to cope with the momentus loss. We were lucky, and slowly, we saw her re-emerge. First with little smiles and giggles, then with full body laughs, coy glances, determined stares and all the other things that are so much a part of the little girl we love today.
We can't balance it out the losses and the gains - it's not a ledger sheet. All we can do is acknowledge and respect the loss and make room for it in our family. Ren will be experiencing this same loss before he reaches the age of two. It's alot to ask of anyone, never mind an infant or toddler.
Experiencing this loss, however, does not mean that my children will be forever defined by it. They are more than just adopted. They are Chinese, they are (or will be) Canadian, they are children, they are stubborn, they are active, they are sweet, they are senstive, they are strong AND they are adopted. My children are more than just the sum of their parts and how they deal with their loss will be complex and personal to them. They may be confused, hurt, angry, sad, perplexed, indifferent. They may grieve, act out, search for answers, question, accept or just be. Their losses will be a part of them, but it is not all they are or will ever be. As parents, all we can do is help them negotiate it and provide that unquestioning, unending love and support.
Understanding and believing that joy and happiness can cooexist with loss and grief is part of being an adoptive parent. Making space in our family to mourn the lose and process whatever emotions result will be, for me, an important part of providing my children with the support they deserve. But remembering that they are more than the sum of their parts - there is more to them than their losses - will be integral to helping them build their identies and deal with those losses.
Experiencing this loss, however, does not mean that my children will be forever defined by it. They are more than just adopted. They are Chinese, they are (or will be) Canadian, they are children, they are stubborn, they are active, they are sweet, they are senstive, they are strong AND they are adopted. My children are more than just the sum of their parts and how they deal with their loss will be complex and personal to them. They may be confused, hurt, angry, sad, perplexed, indifferent. They may grieve, act out, search for answers, question, accept or just be. Their losses will be a part of them, but it is not all they are or will ever be. As parents, all we can do is help them negotiate it and provide that unquestioning, unending love and support.
Understanding and believing that joy and happiness can cooexist with loss and grief is part of being an adoptive parent. Making space in our family to mourn the lose and process whatever emotions result will be, for me, an important part of providing my children with the support they deserve. But remembering that they are more than the sum of their parts - there is more to them than their losses - will be integral to helping them build their identies and deal with those losses.
We're only a couple weeks away now from travelling to join Ren. I'm eagerly apprehensive, and I think appropriately so. It's the mark of a parent that our first thoughts turn to our childrens' feelings and well-being. Yes, I'm eager to join Ren and to start our lives together as a family. But, I'm not eager to put Ren through the turmoil and trauma of leaving his foster family and the country of his birth, nor am I eager to turn Kiyomi's world upside down by taking her to the land where she was born and restructuring her place in the family from only child to big sister. These will be hard transitions for our kids. In the long-run, I believe they will be happy and well, but I don't harbour any illusions that our union will be easy on any of us. Will it be joyful? Yes. But this will also be one of those times where happiness will need to coexist, and even intermingle, with pain and loss. And that's ok...
Lest you all think it's all been introspection and worry, here's a collage of the Easter weekend in Toronto with the cousins. There was fun, there was frivolity, there was an Easter bunny and, of course, there was chocolate.
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