A little luck and a musical interlude

Hello all:

With St. Patty's day just around the corner, I've been thinking a fair bit about luck lately, and how much of the frustration in the adoption process can be attributed to the bad kind. Both the province and the China Center for Adoption Affairs (CCAA) seem to have slowed down just as our application made it's way to them. Bad luck! But then again, we've had plenty of the good stuff in the proces too: a lovely social worker, Ontario dropping the internationl adoption fee of $900. So, invoking leprachauns, rabbit's feet, horse shoes and all things lucky, here's hoping that the bad stuff is behind us and only good stuff ahead! Keep your fingers crossed for us, cause every little bit helps.

Now, on to referral updates. There has been alot of chatter and rumours the last couple weeks, which I think we can attribute more to wishful thinking than anything else. There is nothing really "new" to report with respect to our referrals. The CCAA (China) website, however, currently indicates that it has matched families with log-in-dates up to May 25th (ours is June 3rd). CB is fairly confident, therefore, that referrals for early June groups will arrive in April/06. This, of course, is always subject to change, but it's looking like the timelines have not slowed considerably this month. If our current luck holds, we are hoping to that our referral will come sometime in the first two weeks of April.

An Adoption Interlude

In the meantime, a musical (or at least adoption) interlude. As things finally seem to be getting closer, we thought it might be worthwhile to pass along a little information about bonding and attachment issues - always the rage in any discussion, publication, chat group or passing glance related to adoption.

Bonding and attachment are two well-worn buzz words in the adoption community, and a fairly central obsession with most adopted parents. The crux of the issue is providing time and opportunity for your child to come to trust you as her parents and primary care-givers. This is a process that happens even with newborns into biological families. Over time, babies learn that these two people who keep irritatingly repeating the words "mommy" and "daddy", will respond to their cries and cater to their needs. In baby thoughts, it means: "when my bum feels uncomfortable, this mommy-person makes the wetness go away; when my tummy rumbles, this daddy person gives me a bottle and it stops feeling empty; when I feel grumpy and the best thing to do is scream as loud as humanely possible, mommy walks around in circles into the wee hours of the night holding me until I fall asleep." Over time, the baby comes to trust that this will happen everytime, no matter what. That is effectively, a grossly oversimplified version of attachment.

Adopted kids still have to go through that process of developing trust even though they tend to be older than newborn. Because they are older, they already have some life experiences under their belt and may not take too kindly to these new people in their lives. Some of these kids, especially if they've spent time in an orphanage, may not have yet had the opportunity to build a trust relationship with any care-giver. So, they could react in a number of different ways to these two funny looking people who keep talking at them in some weird language. Some babies shut-down, evading touch or eye contact, prefering to avoid any connections whatsoever. Others may be outgoing and snuggle with every adult they meet in order to maximize the chances of making sure someone out there makes the wet-bum feeling go away when it happens.

So, how to deal with the bonding and attachment issues that adopted kids face ? While a gross oversimplification, the bottom line is that adopted kids need to be given the opportunity to trust their new care-givers (which given the looks of us, may be a real challenge for our little one). If we are lucky, our daughter will have already have had the chance to bond with a care-giver (perhaps a nanny or foster parent), sowing the seeds of a trust relationship. However, it is more likely that she has spent much of her young life in an orphanage, and may never have had the chance to develop that 'trust'. While her care-givers were probably very loving and conciensious, the simple fact that they would have likely been caring for a number of children would have made it almost impossible for a true 'trust' to develop. It's not likely that she would have consistantly been comforted when she was scared or fed when she was hungry. So, our little one may stuggle with what to think about these two strangers who swoop into her life and she might, understandably, be a little doubtful that these adult-things are really all that with it when it comes to meeting her needs.

Which brings us to the question of mechanics. What can we do, as her 'forever family' (or so the term is used) to help her sow those seeds of trust? Well, there is scads and scads of advice out there about how to promote bonding and attachment. Some experts advocate "cocooning" (literally what it sounds like - having the family bunker down and limit contact with visitors), others suggest making sure that mommy and daddy are the only ones who change, feed, comfort, bath, put baby to sleep (to the exlcusion of others), while still others argue that regular care and nurturing are the basic fundamentals that will address attachment needs. Any of the 'absolute must-dos' make us pretty uncomfortable, so we haven't really decided what the right course of action is. Generally, we are advocates of getting a better feel from our daughter as to what she seems comfortable with and what her needs might be.

However, we firmly believe that this little girl is not only coming into our lives, but all of yours as well. While bonding and attachment with us will be paramount, we also believe that it will be important for her to develop relationships with her extended family. So, we thought it might be worthwhile to raise the issue with all of you who will be part of the 'kid's' life, so you are aware of some of the things she will be struggling with in her young life, and more importantly, so you can provide us with advice, guidance, deperately needed help as we move forward as a family.