Tantrums to travels

Here’s a little secret that they don’t teach you in the parenting books – things sneak up on you. Sure, you’ve memorized the developmental charts and you know that at certain points, your child is going to go through stages. Things might happen. Unpleasant things. But, you’ve read the books, studied the charts, are able to understand, and therefore, rationalize your child’s behaviour, so you’ll have the patience and control to deal with it. Yay right! Good luck with that one.

What the parenting books don’t tell you is that your little angel doesn’t go from a peaceful, good-natured doll to a screaming banshee over night. You don’t wake up one morning to find that your child is now in the disequilibrium stage and therefore is likely to be difficult, prone to tantrums, stubborn. You don’t tick off stages the way you do days on a calendar. No, no, no. You’re child has been steadily, subtly building towards this. So by the time your parent-delayed brain recognizes what’s happening, it’s too late. You’ve already inadvertently reinforced the behaviour you’re trying to avoid on a number of occasions. You have been complicit in the creation of the writhing, demonic creature in front of you that you can’t possibly recognize as your child above the shrill-cries and tortured convulsions that are the full blown temper tantrum (all because you didn’t get her boots on fast enough, or she dropped the cookie).

As you can tell from the above, right on target, Kiyomi has introduced us to the joys of the temper tantrum. That sweet little face twists and contorts, the lips part in the build-up to the echoing scream, and that little body throws itself onto the floor, arms and legs flaying as if Stephen King had written the script.

Thankfully, the real action didn’t start until after our trip to Australia. We’re guessing that it was just pure exhaustion that stemmed the arrival of the all out tantrum. Between the 36 straight hours of travel, the myriad of airplanes and plethora of time zones, I didn’t even know which way was up half the time. It was little wonder Kiyomi could only muster resigned acquiescence as we stood her yet again in front of the camera, steered her to another beach or introduced her to yet another zoo. A good time was had by all, and Kiyomi now knows more about marsupials than any 2 ½ year old should really be subjected to. Needless to say, a ridiculous number of pictures were taken and we’re all still bragging about the sandal tans! For those of you contemplating a long trip of any kind with a toddler, I have three words - portable dvd player. It saved us (or at least our marriage) as travelling for 36 straight hours with a toddler is an experience akin to ... well, I'm not sure there's anything like it on the planet. Interestingly, it seems that Kiyomi’s words increased ten-fold while we were travelling. Now, it could be that she finally managed to train our ears properly, but by the end of the trip, she was pretty much holding her own in conversations. Oh sure, she wasn’t postulating on the outcome of the US primaries, but she was certainly able to tell you that the kangaroo was hopping and eating cones!

After 2 ½ weeks travelling together, there were some daycare re-entry issues. Not only was there jet-lag to contend with, but Kiyomi objected rather strenuously to being back at school even though she was happy to see her friends and teachers. The mornings were rough for a couple weeks as we all strove to find our new routine – not helped by the impending shadow of the holidays looming which meant a normal routine was pretty much nixed. This was when we started to see the foreshadowing of the tantrums, but we initially just chalked it up to jet-lag and routine re-entry. We also started to see the first stirrings of real, and constant, clinginess (also supposed to be age appropriate). Nothing like trying to unwrap your child’s iron grip from your leg, while she’s screaming ‘mama, mama’ with tears streaming down her face to make you fill like the most vile parent on the planet.

Upon our return from Australia, we pretty much plunged straight into Christmas where Kiyomi got a double dose of family as both our extended families made the trek to Ottawa this year. She was a little puzzled as to why unca braom and unca tistan seemed to sleep all the time, but other than that, I think she enjoyed having a house full of people.

The Suzuki wave arrived shortly after the Miller one departed, so there was some hard on the heels visiting. Exhausting, but fun. Some challenges, as Kiyomi had a pretty bad cold for much of the holidays and wasn’t the most gracious hostess for her cousins. Again, nothing like having to discipline your child’s behaviour (even though you know that you dragging her all over the place, keeping her up late, and forcing her to visit , is probably the reason for the behaviour) to make you feel like the rotten parent of the year.

Lest you think it’s only been negatives over the last little while, there have been some wonderful ups. We’ve more or less successfully conquered toilet training. It took her a couple of months, but Kiyomi has finally trained us. Sure, there are still occasional accidents, but we’re pretty much there (at least during the day).

This winter has been pretty much ideal for us ski-types. Snow up the wazoo, and Kiyomi loves to play in it. Luckily for us (although maybe not so much for her), she also still fits in the ski-pulk, so we’ve been out a few times already this year. Again this year, she goes into it with a sort of resigned expression on her face, recognizing that she’s just going to have to put up with these crazy things her parents do until she’s big enough to out-ski them!

Kiyomi moved up to pre-school just this week and is now holding her own with the big kids. It’s still early days, but she seems to be enjoying being with the bigger kids. With the move, she’s gone from being one of the oldest to one of the youngest in her group – and she looks so small next to the others in her class now. However, she seems to respond well to the older kids and we’re fully expecting she’ll be bringing home all sorts of new tricks.

Overall though, she’s developing from a toddler to a little girl. She’s just starting with imaginative play, which is fascinating to watch, and has embarked on the toddler independence streak of “me do!” She talks a blue streak and has clear ideas on what she wants (and doesn’t want). She’s certainly keeping us busy (as evidenced by the lack of any real blogging activity as of late) and we're loving every minute of it (just about - could live without the banshee experience).


If we haven't managed to touch base with you yet, a very happy new year to you and all the best for 2008!

The parting shot for tonight shows Kiyomi playing Timon to her dad's Pumba... hakuna matata from Ottawa.

Made it before November!

My blogging prowess is somewhat non-existent these days. I knew going back to work would slow things down, but here it is almost two months since my last post! Ah well, what I lack in frequency, I try to make up for through a ridiculous number of cutsey pictures.

Oddly, not much has happened in the last couple months, but there is so much to tell…

As usual with a toddler, there has been a number of firsts and starts in the last couple month. Kiyomi’s had her first day of school (aka daycare), first hair cut, first weekend away from mommy (that one was more traumatic for me than her), first attempts at toilet training, and first meeting with the Mayor?!? But, let’s start from the beginning…

We said good-bye to Krysten in September as, after months and months and months on a number of waiting lists, we finally managed to slip into a daycare spot. The first day was rough, as all of us were unsure about the whole thing. But in typical Kiyomi fashion, she took it in stride and by the end of that first week, she was excited about going to school and waving us off with a nod and a grin in favour of all her little buddies and the excitement of new toys, circle time, the playground. She’s happy and comfortable there. Not for the first time, I’m struck by how my daughter, even at the tender young age of two, is able to live a life separate from me. Most days, she seems so little in the world, yet I marvel at how she is forging relationships, memories and learning without us.

While I headed to New York City for a weekend with the girls in late September, Kohji and Kiyomi hit the road for Toronto for a visit with the Suzuki/Shaw conglomerate, which included a first meeting with the newest addition, cousin Kai. Yes, now there is someone in Kiyomi’s family smaller than her, and she’s thrilled about it. So, not only did she get to hang with Mika (her all time favourite activity), she also got to touch a real, live, honest to goodness baby.
Part of the weekend included a haircut at Melon Heads. This is a brilliant business concept – a hair salon (although I don’t think salon is quite the right word) devoted uniquely to kids. The kids get to sit in any number of funky chairs (racing car, airplane, Thomas the Train), and have staff who actually have some experience with cutting kids hair. Simple, but brilliant. Kiyomi got to sit in a fire engine and get a trim, allowing us to do away with the ever transient and disappearing barrettes (at least for a little while).

We’ve also embarked on the journey that is toilet training. We stalled on this for a little while, even after we felt she was ready. In part, because it didn’t seem necessary, but also in part because the endless advice on toilet training was daunting, confusing, irritating, inspirational or just plain weird. If you’ve ever spent even an iota of time looking at the literature, the one thing you take away is rather simple – ‘screw this up, and you’re in for it.’ They tell you toilet training is a simple concept, but do the wrong thing, and you can traumatize your kid and wind up being in a potty nightmare for months. They tell you to be patient, but don’t tell you how you’re supposed to accomplish that when you carrying a dripping, screaming kid at arms length to the bathroom for the 4th time tonight. Training pants are bad, training pants are good, 2 is too early, 2 is too late, no potty treat, you need potty treats… it goes on and on. I still have no idea if we’re doing it right. All I can say for sure is that I have never been happier that our washer/dryer are located on the main floor.

There have been some success, some failures, countless dashes to the bathroom, a number of puddles on the floor and a lot more laundry. All in all, though, there is definite progress.

I’ve decided though, that the advice books have it all wrong. It’s not about the parents training the child, it’s about the child training the parents. It’s quite simple really, toddlers will use the potty, you just have to get them there in time. The problem is that you can’t spend your entire day parked in the bathroom (although it is tempting) watching for that head tilt, eye blink, strange look, or whatever little tell your child has that says “I’m about to pee.” So, toilet training is about achieving the balance that allows you to still get out of the bathroom and interact with the rest of the world, while at the same time, limiting the number of times you find yourself saying “oh, oh another accident; that’s ok”, while your brain is screaming “again!? But you just peed 10 minutes ago, and we’ve already been through 4 pairs of pants today!”.

Small things continue to surprise us on a regular basis. Recently, it’s become obvious that out of nowhere, Kiyomi’s gotten bigger and stronger. One day, she needs a hand to walk up the front steps, the next, she’s barrelling up them completely unaided without breaking stride. When did that happen? We’re having to move things further back on the counter, out of reach of curious, wandering hands. Clothes that were gargantuan on her last spring, and I thought for sure would last her another year, are short and tight.

Her latest grown-up activity is ‘helping’ in the kitchen. At first, we thought this was the perfect antidote to the ‘upas’ syndrome that seemed to take hold as soon as we managed to get in the door after work. You know the one, you’re trying to juggle the telemarketer call, put the pasta on the boiling water, slice up some veggies in yet another sad attempt to convince yourself that you’re feeding your family a balanced diet, and your child grabs a hold of the bottom of your shirt and starts shouting ‘up-aaaa, up-aaaa’! Kiyomi seemed to respond brilliantly to the ‘Kiyomi, would you help set the table?’ as you sent the poor sucker… er, I mean… child off to put one utensil on the table, and be delighted to receive another when she got back to the kitchen. We’ve not sure if she figured out the play or not, but the bloom eventually came off the rose, and she was having none of our slave labour trickery. Our back-up has been to have her ‘help’ with the veggies. Mommy cuts, and Kiyomi puts them in the bowl. It’s a workable compromise for the moment, but it should be noted for every one slice that winds up in the bowl, two head down the assistant’s gullet.

She’s also getting better and better at singing. You can even recognize tunes and words and she sings away to herself. She’s also insisting on certain songs every time she gets in the car. It started with the ‘Hole in the Bottom of the Sea”, but now she commands tracks by shouting out “Shine Song”, “Car Song”, “Obladee-Obladas”. Fred Penner and the Beatles top the toddler charts in our house, so we’re keeping with Miller family traditions.

All this brings us up to tonight - Halloween! Kiyomi is out wandering the streets, her dad in tow and firmly grasping her bag of goodies. She seems to get the concept this year, and had the priviledge (?) have having the mayor use her class as a photo op today. Not sure if she actually met the mayor, but we understand he was making an appearance this morning.

The parting shot for tonight is another Kohji collage. Happy Halloween from Ottawa (and now back to stealing Kiyomi's candy).

The perils of the bubble dress

A few weeks ago, we came to a crossroads as a family.

Despite our best efforts and earnest attempts, Kiyomi had started to recognize that she does, in fact, have a mind of her own. And it has started with … the bubble dress. Typically, Kiyomi has been wonderfully complacent when it comes to getting dressed – she would put on whatever I picked out. And then, one day, she didn’t. Now the morning routine consists of a toddler in a diaper (if we’re lucky) and little legs scooting down the hallway with a grown-up following closely behind carrying a shirt/dress/shorts/pants trying desperately to explain that clothes are probably needed in the current circumstances.
Where does the bubble dress come in, you ask? It’s pretty much the only thing she’ll wear – a purple dress with multicoloured polkadots all over it - without a fight. Part of her rant when we’re trying to reason a pair of pants is “bubba dress, bubba dress, bubba dress!” The bigger problem, of course, is that she is outgrowing the bubble dress. Once that’s too small, she’ll likely be clad in a diaper only cause it’s gonna be far too exhausting to dress her in anything else.

The summer has blown by. August started with a trip to Toronto to visit Ojiichan, Obaachan, Martin, Miyo and of course, the main attraction, Mika! A beautiful weekend, warm and sunny, which included a trip to the zoo. It was our first trip to the Toronto zoo, and the highlight for Kiyomi was life-size animatronic dinosaurs.

Other exciting adventures in the last month has been a trip to the Ex, where Ella showed Kiyomi the ropes, and the two of them tore up the midway. After some initial uncertainty, Kiyomi took to the ride-idea like a duck to water. I don’t think I’ve heard her yell “again, again!”, so many times, while her little hands furiously signed “more, more!!”. She wasn’t even off a ride before she was practically pleading to get back on. I’m really beginning to think she’s a little thrill junky. By the time we pried her away from the rides, it was full sensory overload with the midway lights, sounds and smells. Kiyomi loved it and made sure she was right in the thick of things.

She also went for her first self-propelled hike in Gatineau Park. We’d been for little hikes before, but she was always in the carrier. This time, it was all her, baby! We weren’t sure how it was going to work out, but she managed to walk over a kilometre all by herself. Of course, there were many stops with “wha’s daaat?”, a lengthy snack break at the half way point, and the introduction of a new game – throwing rocks into the stream. So many rocks were chucked into the poor little stream by Mackenzie King estate that I’m fearful we may have disturbed the ecological balance of the place. Not to mention the rocks that were tucked away in her pockets.

Other interesting discoveries of late have been video games and pockets – not necessarily in that order. Her Nana got her a video game system for her birthday this year, and she loves it. She hasn’t yet gotten the hang of everything, but she loves the big button that makes things jump on screen. A number of people have become unwilling partners in Kiyomi’s quest to jump on screen.

As for her pockets, well, they’ve become the ultimate repository now that she’s discovered that you can stash keepsakes there and fish them out later – or not. For my part, it has meant some really interesting discoveries at laundry time. Nothing says toddler like a scrunched up ball of pasty paper and rocks. So far, no creepy crawlies have emerged from the depths of those pockets, so I should consider myself lucky.

Kiyomi continues to do all the things that little girls do – chat’s up a storm and is starting to assert herself more and more (which is a polite way of saying, she has her bossy moments). This last couple of weeks, she’s developed a passion for dinosaurs and other creatures. To my utter delight, her favourite book at the moment is “Where the Wild Things Are”, a favourite of mine when I was little. There is something pretty amazing about reading your favourite childhood book to your daughter. The parting shot for tonight shows a childhood right of passage – Dr. Seuss.

Oivez – so much to tell and so little time…

Yet again, I bow before the truisms of parental insights and the well honed words of wisdom from those who have trod this path before me. Yes, you were all right. Time moves by at light speed when you’re living via a toddler. I mean, Buzz Lightyear, crazy fast. You blink and it’s next month, sneeze and it’s next year!

This break in the space-time continuum is the excuse I’m using for not having posted any updates in the last two months. Well, there’s that, and the fact that I’m back at work, it’s summer, we are now the lowly servants of a two-year old who’s full of beans, and ready for action, leaving little time for much else.

I went back to work in the middle of June, which meant learning all sorts of new dances – the toddler tango, the pick-up polka, the breakfast break-dance, the wake-up waltz. Yes, it’s a lovely repertoire of popular favourites, and while we seem to have some of the steps down seamlessly, for most, I’d say we look more like Bert and Ernie than Fred and Ginger. It ain't pretty, there are a lot of noodles for dinner, but we're hanging in. Our transition was helpfully smoothed along with the help of Obaachan and Ojiichan who came to take care of Kiyomi for a week and a half - providing much undivided grandparent attention which Kiyomi just loved.

All in all, Kiyomi has taken to the new arrangement with her regular aplomb and panache. She's settling in with her caregiver, Krysten, and best buddy, Ella, with much excitement and giggling. For the last couple weeks, she has happily climbed on the bike for the “rii Aya hooose”, which in grown-up, means the “ride to Ella’s house”. The girls have a great time with Krysten, and certainly seem to be doing way more fun things that I do at my desk everyday.

July, however, was our momentous month. It started with marking our first anniversary as a family. Hard to believe one year has gone by faster than I can tie my shoe. We celebrated with our travel group, and it was pretty inspiring to see the girls tearing around the place. When we first met them, some weren’t even crawling. Now they’re a group of rambunctious toddlers with personalities and dramas all their own.

We also celebrated Kiyomi’s 2nd birthday, where she was spoiled rotten by friends and family alike and chowed down on chocolate cupcakes. Social butterfly that she is, there is nothing better than a room full of people there to pay attention to you, and you alone. Kohji spent most of the week teaching her how to hold up two fingers and yell “TWWWOOOO!!” when asked ‘how old are you?’

We’ve been partaking of all sorts of summer activities. Kiyomi went for her first real ride in the canoe. I wouldn’t say she loved it, but she certainly wasn’t unhappy. She might not yet understand that you can’t really wander up and down the boat, but she wasn’t leaping out of it. The biggest challenge, actually, was finding a life jacket as she wasn’t thrilled about trying them on at MEC. We've also been going to bbqs, for swims, playing ultimate, to the park, and all those other typical summer things. I say yet again, this parenting thing is way easier in the summer.

As for Kiyomi developments, it's really impossible to track all those subtle changes that mean our little baby is turning into a little girl. Everyday, she learns more and claims her own little corner of the world. There is much less babble, and when she speaks now, she is indeed saying something. We might not always catch it, but there is meaning and intent behind everything. Our routines adjust as she moves from one stage to the next. She now 'brushes' her own teeth, 'dresses' herself (kinda), helps set the table, climbs into the stroller or wagon on her own. The neatest thing for us in the last couple months has been singing, pretty much constantly. Not only does she happily sing to herself, she also sings along with others. She might get into Harvard, she may become an astronaut or brain surgeon, she may win a Nobel prize, but as far as I’m concerned, her ability to sing along to a Beatles song surpasses all that. Yup, my child can sing along to her first Beatles tune. I tell ya, it doesn’t get any better than that.

The parting shot for tonight just screams summer... Good night from Ottawa.

Adoption Day Anniversary

One year ago, on July 2, 2006, we were united with our daughter. Amid confusion, crying and more than a little consternation, we were handed our beautiful little girl. While the legal paperwork was done on July 3rd, for us July 2nd is the day that Kiyomi came into our lives and we were a family.

Over the past year, Kiyomi has taught us so much about ourselves, about her, and about the world around us. She has opened our eyes to the wonders of a pond with fish, has us laughing hysterically at silly faces, and shown us the need for compassion, generosity and acceptance in our world – virtues we cherish now more than ever so that we can pass them along to our daughter.

Our family’s journey, in may ways, was easier than most. Kohji and I didn’t spend years and years thinking and dreaming about our family. Our hearts told us that we wanted to have a child, and adoption was the best route for our family. While there certainly were dissapointments and frustrations, our path was probably staighter than most, with few obstacle. Nontheless, as the consummate geeks that we are, we read, researched, talked to parents - including our own - sought advice, guidance and input. We felt we understood the joys and challenges of parenting. We were ready for the emotions – the highs and the lows.

However, we never could have possibly imagined what Kiyomi has indeed brought to our lives. It is something even I – rambler par excellence – cannot put into words. We are more than we ever possibly could have thought ourselves to be because of her. That she has had to go through so much to bring us this incredible gift makes us honour and cherish her in indescribable ways.

On the anniversary of her adoption day, we can only brush the surface of the gratitude and respect we feel for her, her biological parents, her country of birth and all those who helped us in our journey to each other.

Rather than an update this month, I’m suggesting a look back, in order to remember the journey our family has taken and offer a quiet word of thanks to family and friends who helped us get here.